Review: “Swept Away”

There’s dogs and then there’s feral mongrels which are so nasty that you’d prefer to put yourself down in order to forget the misery the inflict – that’s what the new Guy Ritchie film is like, it made one want to run for copies of “Master of Disguise” and “Pluto Nash” in safety.

One of the most painful 90 minutes of experience I’ve had in my life, this utter piece of flotsam is not forgiving on anybody whether it be its stars, its director, or the audience who have to sit and endure this torture (performing a rim job on an upset tummied Guy Ritchie has more appeal than sitting through this again).

The sad thing is what in the hell happened, for all the bagging she gets Madonna can actually turn in a decent job given the right material and direction but here she gives a woefully bitter performance whilst her look is horrid (her skin is more leathery than a tanning factory despite the obvious muscle fitness on display).

Giannini plays an utter prick for the most part whom you just want to throw overboard. All the performances including regular stalwart Bruce Greenwood make you reach for the nearest sharp object to impale yourself on. Only Jeanne Tripplehorn as an utter drunk has any redeeming value and more for the fact that you envy that she got paid to go cruising on the Riviera with free booze for a few weeks – why can’t we all have that life.

Guy Ritchie is proving a one-hit wonder (face it, ‘Lock, Stock’ and ‘Snatch’ are practically the same film and both ripoff Tarantino) and one has to wonder if he can comeback from this schlock. The locations are beautiful but the east Mediterranean never looked so dull. Attempts at levity include a bad miming sequence by the songstress (albeit in a great dress) and male brutality against women including near rape – fun for the whole family.

Bad films like “Showgirls” at least have some truly great camp value – this has absolutely none at all. The music, the production values, the script, the dialogue is just pitiful overall and despite a kind of nice scene toward the end with Madonna bawling, this is quite frankly the biggest man-made disaster since the Exxon Valdez. Makes one long for the days of Freddie Prinze Jr teen romances.